Okay, so I’m S’porean live near Tampines. Am buay sai one these days. No job, no girlfriend. HDB future liao. Want to learn proper language, but cannot choose one leh. Trouble with being S’porean. Just speak this Singlish no-one understand. Rest of the world… restricted access ar. Cannot get job even in Johor selling DVD ar. Asking New Mandala reader help decide language for me loh. Got damn smart Ang Moh at Asian National University on there posting?

But… even Ang Moh these day – they learn Chinese to speak with mainlanders ar. One spoke Chinese to me other day like I am from mainland. Can see New Mandala in Chinese one day walao! Only positive thing about China growth, many more available tai tais in Bugis wahlao! But they also require I know proper Chinese. Respectable tai tais! My Ah Chek told me S’porean citizenship not enough these days. Anyway, cannot understand English Ang Moh yell at me after I no respond to his Chinese. Think he say ‘get off my briefcase you nincompoop!’ or s’thn like that. Was on the MRT.

Got off MRT. Went to Little India. Thought Maybe can learn Hindi there. Other world power. Go to Mumbai walao! Could be Singaporean star in Bollywood. Also thought maybe can serve and eat roti pratas, avoid 711 for a while loh. But cannot lah. Little India only speak Tamil one. Can only get job if speak Tamil. Cannot lah! No point go to Sri Lanka. Smaller than S’pore no doubt. Damn stupid ar. Why call Little India if only Tamil spoken? Should be ‘Little Tamil!’! Lot of Malay there too. Escape their bad economy no doubt leh. Understandable one. But they take my job serving roti prata in Little India. Kena sai, cannot even have their job selling DVD in Johor ar. Should learn Tamil or what? Can Tamil speakers know Hindi? Interchangeable like Playstation-Xbox port mod?

Left Little India disappointed and went to Geylang to cheer myself up as feeling sibeh blur one. All you New Mandala readers know Geylang right? Of course you do ar – sibeh famous lady district. Lot of ladies there speak many different languages lah. Mostly Cannot understand them one. Can only understand price. But cannot afford lah. They richer than me! Ask one to pay electricity bill for me, but she slap me.

Go back to my room on the 12th storey. My Sheets got holes in them. Stained mattress. Lot of mosquitos these days since siao landlord Tay took off my door handle and did not replace. I lay down for a while looking at the ceiling. Wondered if should learn Indo or Filipino. Speak to maids better, more politely lah. But cannot afford maid leh. Then in a fit of patriotism (destitution) I wonder why no one speak Singlish ar? Big conspiracy! Why ar? It is Combination of all language what. I can speak sibeh proper Singlish. Am NUS BA Hons graduate. This is my story.

So New Mandala reader, why no one speak Singlish? What’s wrong with you? You damn blur issit? You think we just little red dot issit? S’pore still global power you know. We own most of Australia still. Our PM very strong one also. His father make sure of it still.

Hope you learn some Singlish here with me. This one free trial version though. So email me if you wan know Singlish. Okay or not? Cheap price guarantee.


Sibeh Ah Beng

PS: If dun understand Singlish used here, please consult the Coxford Singlish dictionary at TalkingCock.com, free one also.